You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
