The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
