where am i from again
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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