i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
