Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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