Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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