There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
