sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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