Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize