Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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