we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
zippers are such a cool invention
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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