dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize