My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
