Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
