I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
