i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
