God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
