mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
