Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
