I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
