The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
