i need an iv and a liver transplant
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize