You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize