It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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