it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
