Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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