all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You made out with two different species that night
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
