Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
