Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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