I wish my penis had an off switch
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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