If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
