i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
