I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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