she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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