fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I got inside last night via doggy door
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
