Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
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