So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
