so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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