hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
