I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize