There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
