you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
God gave him joint rollers for hands
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
