I got her a Nickelback box set.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Randomize