My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
