She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
