I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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