If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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