Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
