Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
