The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
