Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
