I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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