My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
