Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Randomize
