Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
