I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
