just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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