Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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