In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
i drank out of a bidet.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize